Sunday, October 12, 2014

Edgar Allan Poe wrote a poem for Jay Gaudette

Once upon a midnight dreary, rubbing eyes both red and bleary,
Over many books of which with hopes will give me rise,—
While I bellowed, almost screaming, hoping there would come a streaming,
New and wondrous works of which romantic word applies,
"Tis all the same thing," I muttered, "finding it is such a chore,      
Always this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remembered, with expectations fully tempered,
Characters, rich, good and plenty, and not all the normal stuff,
Eagerly I wished for something, besides all the normal grope and humping,
From my computer I strained to find, plots devoid of all the fluff,
I crave romantic stories, sexy, funny, poignant,
I look for all these evermore.

Then on the door I heard a tapping, maybe it was really rapping,
It happened all too quickly so I could not really tell,
But through the door their came a raven, looking sharp, all washed and shaven,
“Dude, you have a prob that I can see is causing hell.
Download Jay Gaudette’s Unconventional Affairs from Smashwords. It’s all you need.
Only that and nothing more.”

I quickly scanned the samples given, "I can tell that Jay has striven,
To telling stories, tomes, and quips that I would surely like,
This shit is really fun to read, with characters so rich indeed,
and the sexy parts contained in it do really get me off.
(The Raven asked, "Off? 'Off' doesn't rhymn with 'like'. I replied, "Sorry.")
I asked the street-wise Raven, "But, are they expensive, prohibitively so?"
Quoth the Raven, "Listen, jack-leg, even though the suggested price is only 99 cents, during the Unconventional Affairs Binge-read, you can get them for free. But it's only for the duration of the event."

I asked the Raven if I should ever try to stiff an independent author ever again.
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

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