Thursday, December 17, 2015

Sexy Bit - The Bet

The Bet

Attractive Cincinnati Bengals Chick“It's time to pay up.”
“I don't wanna. Not yet.”
“Yes, now. You lost the bet. Ha ha ha.”
“Can't we do it when we go to bed?”
“Nope. Right now.” He unzipped his jeans and pulled them down.
She started to stroke his cock. “Come on, Ben. Pleeeeze? Can we wait?”
He smirked just a bit when he said, “So you said, “My Bengals will beat the snot out of your Patriots today.” And I said, “Put your money where your mouth is, bitch.””
She sighed. “Yeah, yeah, I remember. Then I said, “Okay, asshole, if the Pats win I'll blow you and swallow.””
“Yes, ma'am, you did. And guess what?”
“The Patriots won.”
“That's right, Bengal-babe. The Patriots won.”
“Damn it.”
“And who won the game? Tom Brady won the game. Tom Fucking Brady won the game. Booyah!”
“Well, then get Tom Brady to give you a blow job.”
“Oh no, Leah. You're not getting out of this one. Pay up … now!”
“Fuck.” After a few spits to get Ben's shaft ready for action, she plunged her head down on him. Faster and faster she bobbed up and down until he blasted a hot load into her mouth. She sucked the cum down her throat and, after she finished the last few drops, she pulled off.
“Oh, baby, that was great. You give great head. Phew.”
Leah wiped the last few drops of cum from around her lips into her mouth. She then looked at Ben with a combination of disgust and resignation.
She said, “Goddamn Tom Brady. I hate that motherfucker.”

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Sexy Bits - Snow Day

Snow Day

Sheila was very content in her bed. Snow had been coming down for several hours already and promised not to let up until sometime in the afternoon. And since she knew that school would be canceled, and she wouldn't have to put up with those snotty 10th graders at least for one day, she delighted in the prospect of not having to do anything but lay in bed and be comfy.
Her mind wandered to pleasant things. She thought about how much she enjoyed winter days when she was a child in Wisconsin and how much she looked forward to them. The look and feel of freshly fallen snow was always one of her favorite things, and there were times that she wished she was back on her family's farm rather than in Minneapolis. But at that moment, she happily watched the snowflakes falling, albeit heavily, into a new blanket of white bliss.
Sheila was happy.
“Bobbie,” she said, “I love the way you lick me. I came a couple of times.”
“I know,” said her lover. “I tasted it.”
Shelia giggled and then said, “I want to feel you in me. It's your turn to cum.” Bobbie grabbed her ankles, yanked her legs apart, and after she guided his manhood into her pussy, he plunged into her deep and roughly. She yelped, “Oh my god, YES!”
While Bobbie pounded away at her pussy with his erect, hard cock, Sheila laughed and sang, “Since we've no place to go … Holy shit, you're awesome… let it cum … Oh, baby, that feels wonderful … let it cum … Give it to me. I want it … let it cum … Ahhh, there it is.”

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Sexy Bits - The Load

The Load

“Can I cum on your face?”
“I asked if it's okay to cum on your face?”
“Um, sure. Okay. Not in my eyes though.”
“Gotta warn you, I drop a big load.”
“Hm? What did you say?”
“I said I drop a big load. Lots of cum. Lots.”
“Oh. Wow, you taste good. How big?”
“Big! Real big. It'll be a mess.”
“Can't be so much. Go ahead.”
“Okay, here it cums."
"Lay it on me, baby."
“Wha! What! Holy fucking shit! You weren't fucking kidding!”
“I warned you.”
“It's everywhere. It's on my blouse. Is it in my hair?”
“Yep. Right up the middle. The left side too.”
“Oh, shit! Where's a mirror?”
“In my closet, over there.”
“Kleenex. Paper towels. A handkerchief. Quick!”
“What time is it?”
“Damn it! I've got the rest of the day to go … and my new boss just came all over my red silk blouse after I gave him a blowjob. This is a helluva first day on the job, isn't it?”
"Well, I didn't hire you for your computer skills. Carry file folders everywhere you go. Hold them up high against your chest. By the way, nice rack.”
“What do I do about the cum splatter on my skirt?”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Well, fuck, you warned me, I guess. That was huge.”
“Not bad for a sixty year old man.”
“Not bad at all. How do I look?”
“Fine. Hold the file folders up higher. A blob got you on your collar.”
“Okay. How do I look?”
“Fine. Good luck. See you tomorrow.”
“Yes, sir. 9:00 am sharp, every day. (kiss) Next time, I'll eat it and swallow.”

Monday, December 7, 2015

Sexy Bits - She Thought

She Thought

She thought ...

I've got to remember to call Aunt Nancy tomorrow and wish her happy birthday.
Damn, that was a big one.
Cat food! I have to remember to pick up some cat food.
Come on already. Step up and let it happen, guys.
I guess I need milk too.
Fuck. This one's big!
Bread. Bread too.
It's pretty tight, but I've got it. (spit) That'll help.
Walking Dead on tonight?
I've only got two hands fellas.
Note to self—do NOT go back to that bar again. The men there acted like they'd never seen a chick before. Not that I blame them. I was looking quite hot, thank you very much.
Ugh! I hate when they aim for my eyes.
Not that I'm unhappy or anything. It just isn't how I expected this evening to end up.
And not in my ear either, you asshole.
I mean, all I had in mind was a night out, maybe pick up some dude, make a quick couple of hundred and go home.
Ow! My nose. Why do men have to push so hard?
So, like, I didn't expect to be picked up and, well, you know … this. But two grand is two grand.
Not my ass! Fuck, that hurts.
The money will come in handy. Need to get the car looked at. But then that cute guy at the shop always takes a trade.
They're moving in on me. They're ganging up. Back off boys, just a bit.
Let's see, I have a small dick in my left hand and a monster in the right. Hellooo rightee.
These seem like a cool bunch of dudes. Nice. They've been polite. No one seems to want to rough me up, like that last time. Fuck. That got out of control too fucking easily.
Wow. Look at this blonde guy. I want his number. He wins!
I'll take my time on him. Big. Hard. Nice. I want more.

She said, “Hey, stick around after everyone is done. I want to talk to you.”
The blonde guy said, “Sure thing. Ready?”
She said, “Yeah. Give it to me.

Wow, he tastes good.
I'm glad I brought a scrunchie for my hair.
Ahhh! Yeah. Fill me up guys.”
I must look like a mess. It's everywhere. These guys can't aim worth a shit.

She asked, “How many has that been?”
An anonymous voice answered, “22. Maybe 23.”
“How many more are there? I can't see.”
“Another 30.”
“Okay. Bring it on. You're a great group of guys. And I'm really getting off on it.”

Friday, July 17, 2015

Monty Python Has This to Say About Jay Gaudette

Good evening. Welcome to Looking at Literature on BBC 1. Tonight we have noted erotica critic Sir Lawrence Drooling. It's a pleasure to have you on the show tonight.

Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here.

I'd like to start by asking you what your impressions of author Jay Gaudette are.

Well, I'll answer that two ways. First, in my normal voice, then in a whining high-pitched screech. Jay Gaudette is one of my favorite authors, to be frank. His characters are spot on, he's funny, and the plots are very interesting. Oh, and the romantic elements are TSHEEE IIIIIIIIK BEEEKY BEEEKY ZIIIIIP QUIIIIIZZEEE GEEPYGEEPY FIZZZZZ FWEEEKKKK....

While his lordship is answering the question, Jay Gaudette's Unconventional Affairs Romance Series is available at Smashwords. They are available with the You Pick The Price option with a suggested donation of 99 cents. The option would include them being available for free, but only during the current Binge-Read event. Ah, I believe he's coming to the end of his answer.

And that is why I encourage all readers, especially of romance literature, to make sure that they include Jay Gaudette's works in their library.

Thank you, your Lordship. And that's all the time we have for Looking at Literature. Next on BBC1, Monty Python's Flying Circus.

And now for something completely different.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Just The Facts, Ma'am.

It was warm in Los Angeles, the Dodgers were on a winning streak and most of the population was minding their own business. Reading ebooks was the popular pastime for the summer; all kinds of books. But sometimes it gets rough in the digital press world. That's where I come in. My name is Friday—Joe Friday.

Along with my partner, Bill Gannon, I was working out of the Literature Division, assigned to a special romance task force. There had been a string of people reporting the same kind of thing—an uncontrollable addiction to a new romance short form called Unconventional Affairs. The main perpetrator was a cool cat with a long literary rap sheet named Jay Gaudette.
We got a call from a Wilhelmina Vandervort in Burbank. We checked out a squad car and headed out.
I rang the doorbell. When the door opened we were face to face with an attractive brunette with disheveled hair and pale skin, the kind of skin you'd see on someone that hadn't been out of their house in days.
“Yes? Can I help you?” she said.
“Police, ma'am. My name is Friday. This is Gannon.”
“Oh, good. You're here. It's been terrible, just terrible. It's Unconventional Affairs. I cant' stop.”
“Why don't you tell us about it, ma'am.”
“I can't stop reading it. I'm addicted.”
“Just the facts, ma'am. Just the facts.” I'd seen readers like her before, strung out on Gaudette's prose. She had it bad.
“Well, I downloaded a sample from, read it, then, well, I lost control. They're so good. The characters are amazing. The stories and scenes are exciting. The dialogues are crisp and clean. And they're rated PG13 and R, not X.”
“Yes, ma'am. We've heard this before. Let me just confirm a few things with you.”
“Sure, officer.”
I ran the down the list of what we already knew about Unconventional Affairs. “They're short form, right?”
“Yes, that's right. Just a few thousand words. Quick and easy to read.”
“They're about three women—Carol, Monica and Marie—and the people in their lives and how they learned to become amazing through love.”
“Yes. They're wonderful women. All the characters are wonderful.”
“40+ parts?”
“They're still being published. I can't wait for more.”
“Easy to get to and download from Smashwords?”
“Very easy.”
“And they're available with the You Set The Price feature, so you can pay as little or as much as you want, even free.”
“Oh my god, yes! You've heard of it then.”
“Yes, ma'am. Unconventional Affairs is all over the city. And Jay Gaudette writes in an easy uncluttered way.”
“Yes, he does. He's so much fun to read. And there's one more thing, Sergeant.”
“What's that, ma'am?”
“They're funny too.”

Back in the station, Bill asked me, “What do we do, Joe? This is a tough case.”
“Yeah, Bill. It is. Some things are inevitable.”
“First there was Overly Attached Girlfriend memes, then there was Justin Bieber, then came K-pop, and now this; Unconventional Affairs by Jay Gaudette on I think we need to surrender to the idea that everyone—EVERYONE—is going to get hooked on it. There are going to be billions of Wilhelmina Vandervorts out there. And there isn't a thing we can do about it.”

Dum dum-dum dum. Dum dum-dum dum dummmmmmmm!

Monday, June 22, 2015

A fantastic interview by Meg Amor

Author Meg Amor just published an interview she did with me. It was fantastic!
Here's the link.


Sunday, June 21, 2015

So, what's going on here, Jay?

Good question. Glad you asked.

For the past year I've been writing erotic romance stories; three novels (The Unconventional Affairs Trilogy), eleven short stories and several anthologies. This was all in addition to my travel / boating lifestyle writing I had done under my real name.

All was well. My works were, generally, well received, and I had actually sold a few of them, though that was never my thrust. (No pun intended.) I wrote because I enjoyed it, and I had an opportunity to get scenarios down on paper that had been swimming around in my head for quite some time. (How Carol and Doug got together in the chapter Wehrli-gig from The Unconventional Affair is the most conspicuous of these.)

The bottom line is this--I don't want to write sex scenes anymore. I got bored with the erotic format...not the content, mind you. I love a good sex scene. But I figured out that when I wrote erotica I found that including a mandatory sex scene was, well, limiting. I found they got in the way of the story. And they HAD to be included since the erotica genre kinda requires them.

This is on me. This is my thing. All props to every erotic writer out there. And, frankly, I'm sure I'll still write and publish erotica in the future. But for now it's time for me to step back from it and write in more conventional ways.

My main thing is to fully explore my original trilogy, The Unconventional Affairs novels, along with it's associated short stories. I think there is a lot more in that little universe. It needs to be developed fully. To do this I'm deconstructing it. It's no longer three novels. It's now a 40+ part series of short stories. I've taken all the chapters, revised them, made them PG13/R rated, reordered some of them to fix a timeline oddity in the original trilogy, and generally tightened the content. I think it will be a better reading experience.

The same wonderful characters--Carol, Monica, Marie, everyone else--still live in Charleston, work at Flashworld, serve our country in the Coast Guard, and live, love and enjoy life fully. It think they're great people. I love them all. They're multi-dimensional and deserve to evolve and become whole.

As to how often the parts will be published--don't know yet. But I do know there will be a flurry at the beginning. I'm think five parts at a time. Where will they be published? For now, exclusively at How much? For now, they will be Pick Your Own Price products...let's see what happens with that.

I'm also going to be exploring some what I think will be interesting cross-platform and media things, as well as some open source ideas that I have. That will come later.

So, I hope you'll come along with me on the journey. Let's see where this takes us, shall we?

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The Simple Math of Self-Publishing

I’m a businessman, and even though I’m retired I can’t shake off that part of me. I’m also a writer. And that makes me a businessman too.
All of us writers (and artists, actors, etc.) would like to think that our art is separate from the business side of the endeavor. It’s not. As a matter of fact, some of the greatest artists in history clearly understood that. The most well-known was Mozart, from whom numerous letters and written evidence exists that show that he was all about the commissions and fees he had coming to him. Art was his livelihood and he embraced that.
Capitalist business economics are simple; sales – costs = net profit. And it’s the profit you’re going for. That’s your income.

Let’s take a look at a simple self-publishing model.

You write a book and you are going to self-publish it. (and for this model we will say there are no related actual costs to you actually writing it.)

Here are some of your costs (plug in your own numbers):
Cover design                    $100.00
Editor                               $300.00
Total                                 $400.00

Here are your revenue streams.
You offer the book on at $2.99 for an ebook at a 35% royalty plan. $1.04 revenue earned per sale.

So, how many ebooks do you need to sell?

The basic math is to take your cost and divide it by your actual royalty percentage.
$400 / 35% = $1,143.00 in sales.
$1,143 / 2.99 = 383 units sold and downloaded.

Let that sink in … you have to sell 383 ebooks to break even. And that’s assuming you don’t take on any more costs.

Let me give you a real world example. I’m considering subscribing to the basic pro plan of Hootsuite, to help me better manage my social media posts. The cost of that is $9.99 per month.
$9.99 / 35% = $29.00 in sales
$29 / 2.99 = 10 units sold per month just to cover Hootsuite.

So, bottom line on this simple illustration, I have to sell 10 ebooks at $2.99 each (35% royalty), every month, just to justify the cost of subscribing to Hootsuite’s most basic pro plan. And, with the first example with the $400 cost, I have to sell 383 ebooks at $2.99 each during the lifetime of the published work to justify the expense of producing it.

So, what can I do to make the numbers work in my favor? Here’s my take on it.
·         Minimize costs – Do my own editing. Make my own covers. That means I have to become proficient at both. That might require some investments, which add to the cost.
·         Increase Revenue – Maximize my per unit net revenue. That may mean changing my royalty plan to the 70% plan. That effectively cuts the number of units that needs to be sold in half. Also, I may need to raise my prices. That would mean that I have to sell fewer units to cover my costs. (That gets into a thing called Value Propositions. That’s a whole ‘nother article.)
·         Increase unit sales – My personal preference is to have a unit sales target and work toward that, rather than a gross sales number. The number is smaller and easier to grasp.

And all this doesn’t take into account the question about how much your time is worth. Your time is a cost.

The only absolute truth in the universe is mathematics. Everything else has varying degrees of validity.

Those are the numbers.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

TIDBITS From Tough Cookie

Welcome to a new feature called TIDBITS. A tidbit is an extra scene from one of my titles. I may be a deleted scene or something that just didn't fit in the story but was fun. It may also be something I came up afterwards that dug its way into my mind and I had to get down on paper.

The first TIDBIT is a short piece about what happened to Marie "Tough Cookie" Kessel four years after the novel ended. Rated M.

Life at U.S Coast Guard Station Charleston was good for BM1 PO1 Marie Lingley. Over the four years that she had served there, her units performed admirably and, without exception, she was thought of as a model Guardian by her commanders and her unit members. Her duties expanded, and she took on more units and greater responsibilities, particularly in environmental protection where she was frequently dispatched to other stations and sectors up and down the eastern seaboard. She was important and always performed her duties magnificently.
Even though she had expanded duties, they let her hang onto her first unit, her small command of patrolling the Ditch; the Atlantic Intracoastal Waterway. They still plowed up and down the channel to the north and south of Charleston, but they did finally get newer boats. But she only had to watch over them at arm’s length since PO3 Shonda Wilkins ably took over day-to-day command of the unit.
And to make her life even sweeter, being Mrs. Mark Lingley was something that she cherished and loved. He was still a top performer at Flashworld, but still just as the top inside sales representative for the company. He turned down several promotion opportunities since he knew that orders for Marie would eventually come that would push them to make a move away from Charleston. It was only a matter of time. And she loved him all the more for his deference to her. Everyone else knew it too. Gina Elliot (General Manager at Flashworld) and Danny Backes (Sales Manager) had everything worked out so that Mark could work remotely from anywhere the Coast Guard sent them. Just like how Marie was valuable to the Coast Guard, Mark was valuable to Flashworld.
Tough Cookie Lingley always believed that humility was something important to her and she never liked to swagger, but she didn’t mind making an entrance. She rolled into the station’s gate in her bright, Coast Guard red Fiat, stopped with a bit of screech, and handed her credentials to the guard.
“Good morning, Johansson.”
“Good morning, ma’am. Did you have a good weekend?”
“Yes, I did. You?”
“Yes, ma’am. Was that you I saw out on that SeaRay on Saturday? Nice boat. When did you get that?”
“Where the heck did you see us?”
“The Charleston Megadock. I was fishing and stopped for fuel. You were going a bit over idle speed, if you don’t’ mind me saying, ma’am.”
“It’s my brother-in-law’s 410 Sundancer. Damn thing really plows, even at idle speed. Sorry if I waked you. God, even on my day off I’m still on the water. But it’s a sweet boat.”
“Yes, ma’am. Looked nice. Wait a second … This is for you.”
Johansson handed an envelope to Marie. When she opened it, she read the brief message that ordered her to report to HQ. 
“Would you call ahead to Wilkins and Carmichael and tell them I’m diverted to HQ, and to go ahead and get out there?” she asked Johannson.
“Aye, sir. Will do. Have a good day.”
“You too, oh, and call Tat’jana at extension 455 and tell her to go ahead and get the stuff ready for our presentation this afternoon.” Shonda Wilkins and Sean Carmichael were both in charge of patrol units; Wilkins patrolled the Ditch, Carmichael in the bay and out in the Atlantic on a Defender class boat. Tat’jana Carmichael, then a civilian, was Marie’s assistant, and they were going to make a presentation at a luncheon of a local business association about the Coast Guard’s efforts to mitigate accidental waste dumped into the Charleston River.
When she talked to the receptionist at the sector office, she was surprised that she had been ordered to see Sector Commander Sachs, by then a familiar and friendly colleague. She couldn’t think of anything that she was up to that necessarily involved his level of command. But, she proceeded promptly to his office and was let in to see him.
“BM1 Lingley reporting, sir.”
“At ease, Marie. It’s been awhile. Can I get you anything to drink? Coffee?”
“No thank you, sir. I’m good.”
“You went down to that retirement party for John Howell, didn’t you?”
“Yes, sir; down in Key West. It was great to see him and Gladys again. He did his time and did it well. He told me that they were thinking of moving back to Tulsa, but by the end of the evening, Gladys told me that she seriously doubted that he would let himself get stuck back on land again. She was thinking they would end up in some place like Vero Beach.”
While she and Mark were in Key West, they, of course, saw Mary and Brad Bonk. They surprised everyone when they got married shortly after Marie and Mark’s wedding. They didn’t re-up with the Coast Guard though, but they liked living in the Keys. They both went into law enforcement. She became a Monroe County Sheriff’s deputy, and he joined the City of Key West Police.
“You still in contact with Mack McGee?”
“Yes, sir. They’re good friends of Mark and I. We see them every couple of weeks. Last month he did tell me something that kind of shocked me.”
“What was that?”
“Remember Marshal Culver? The guy that attacked us?”
“Apparently, he really pissed somebody off in the brig. They found him dead in his cell. Somebody broke his neck and, um, castrated him. It was pretty gruesome. McGee said that the brig couldn’t ever figure out who did it.”
“Or they wouldn’t figure out who did it. Justice is a funny thing sometimes. How do you feel about that, Marie?”
“I feel sorry for his family. It’s sad.” 
“I don’t know if I would feel as compassionate about that, like you. But, that is you, isn’t it?”
“That whole experience taught me a lot, sir. Life is important, no matter who’s it is.”
“Well, that’s what makes you an excellent member of the Coast Guard. And that’s kind of the reason why I asked you here. Do you remember when I talked to you at the gym when you first reported here, and I told you that I was unofficially tasked with helping you to advance to officer?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And by the way, how many 70-pound bags have you, as Chief Howell so eloquently put it, ‘killed’?”
“I think three, sir.”
“You know, that always made us laugh during budgeting. ‘Well, there’s another three-hundred bucks for the gym’. We all joked that that should have been a morale expense.”
“Sorry, sir, but it got pretty easy,” she wryly replied. Her workouts at the gym had always been a bit of spectacle to see, and she still drew crowds whenever she worked out. There was little Tough Cookie wreaking havoc on the gym gear again.
“Marie, The reason I wanted to see you this morning was to talk about your application to the Officer Candidate School. When did you submit that? About a month ago?”
“Six weeks, three days, sir. But who’s counting?”
“I guess you know that there have been a lot of eyes on you. You have done it all. You’ve had commands, you’ve taken every kind of training there is, you maintained a spotless record, been promoted, and you’re getting a marine biology degree on top of all that? You’re shooting for a Marine Science rating, huh?”
“It’s been a lot of work, sir. But I like it.”
“Well, that’s pretty damn obvious. Ha! I can’t even figure out how you have the energy to do it all.”
“My family helps a lot. My sister, Monica, pushes the hell out of me. And her husband, Gabe, has helped me too. But mostly, it’s Mark. He’s always kept me on course and never let me down, sir.”
“Have you taken any vacation time at all during the last four years?”
“I took the times, sir, but I always had something to do. I like all the work. But Mark and I always make time for each other, and I stick pretty close to my family.”
Sachs sat at his desk and just kind of stared at Marie, like he was studying her and maybe trying to figure out if he could clone her and fill his command with a whole bunch of Tough Cookie Lingleys. He then shook his head a bit and laughed.
“You know, I remember when you first came here with your nickname—Tough Cookie. It was easy to think it only meant what had happened to you with Culver—that it meant you were a fighter; tough, strong, fearless. But, right now, finally, I know what it really means. It takes a tough cookie to be as complete and accomplished a person like you are. Tell me why you applied to the Officer Candidate School.”
“I really do believe I have a lot more to give to not only the Coast Guard, but to the nation. I want to advance. I think I can make a difference. When I signed up, I thought I would come in, do my three years, and get out. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to set myself up for my civilian life, But after I was in, I saw that I fit in so well. It became part of me. I love being in the Coast Guard. Mark and I have talked a lot about it. I’m a lifer, sir. This is my career. I’ll always be grateful for the opportunities I’ve had, and to everyone that has helped me.”
“Marie, like I said, a lot of people in the Coast Guard, very important and high ranking people, have been watching you. You exemplify exactly the kind of characteristics that we all wish every member of the United States Coast Guard had.” He reached into a file folder on his desk and handed it to her. “Here are your orders to report in three weeks to the Officer Candidate School at Yorktown, Virginia. Congratulations, Marie.”
Marie may have acted restrained, but Sachs easily saw how excited she was. And she deserved to be. All of her dedication, her character and integrity, her hard work, her perseverance, her energy, her concentration, and her rock-solid toughness had paid off.
Tough Cookie was going to be an officer.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Ever Wonder What Our Characters Are Doing When We're Not Around?

They're listening to music, that's what!
Carol Wehrli, the heroine of The Unconventional Affair, is a classic rocker. She's especially a fan of Little Feat. As a matter of fact, she designated their song, Rock and Roll Doctor, as Doug's (her new and exciting lover) official theme song. Take a listen.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015


Here is another exciting audio excerpt from the Unconventional Affairs trilogy. This is from Tangier by Jay Gaudette.

Produced and narrated by Shenakahra

Check out this 4 star review from Charlotte Howard of Live From Saltwater Sally's

4.0 out of 5 stars If you're looking for something to fill a coffee break and aren't easily offended by explicit erotica24 Feb. 2015
This review is from: Live From Saltwater Sally's: The United States Sex League Roleplay Finals (Kindle Edition)
If sex was a sport and covered on television, then Live from Saltwater Sally's is the result. The writer has a unique way of storytelling with this short story being entirely dialogue (script-style), mainly from the commentators who are viewing the "sex leagues". From start to finish, this was a humorous take on erotica, with graphic sex and strong language throughout. If you're looking for something to fill a coffee break and aren't easily offended by explicit erotica, then this orgy-fest is for you.

Thank you, Charlotte! And by the  way, if you haven't picked up her excellent One Night in Edinburgh, you should!

Please note that this review is the UK Amazon site.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

NSFW AUDIO EXCERPT from The Unconventional Affair

This is very exciting! Here is an audio excerpt from The Unconventional Affair by Jay Gaudette.

The recording was produced and narrated by Shenakahra.
She did an excellent job, don't you agree?


Saturday, February 14, 2015

Writing Erotica is a Cruel Mistress

When I started this whole writing thing several years ago, I was stupid enough to believe that I, in erotic/romantic terms, was going to have an intriguing, scintillating fling with a newfound mistress. I mean, I’m cool. I know how to play the game. A little touch and grab here, a quickie at a Motel 6, a little nookie there; something I could handle easily.

But then she started to talk to my inner needs.

 “God, Jay, I love you, I need you, and I’ll let you use any fluffy superfluous adjective and adverb that you can come up with to describe me. I can’t breathe without you. I’ll die if you leave me.” And like a dumbshit, I’ve fallen for it. And worse yet, I have committed the cardinal sin of having an affair. I’ve fallen in love with my mistress, and she won’t let me ignore her.

I think she’s beginning to stalk me. She follows me wherever I go. She’s always there, right there out of the corner of my eye. And, holy shit, she always looks incredible.

She’s a demanding temptress that constantly lures me back into bed with her, when I should be doing more productive things. You know, those little things, like bathing and shaving, or maybe sleeping.

The sex is unbelievable. She’s sleek and sexy, and as fully engrossed in our debauchery as I am. It’s been torrid and I get off on her every time we’re together. But I do feel guilty about it sometimes.

I’m having lover’s regret.

But then, I say to myself, “Wow! She is so hot. Great in bed, easy on the eyes, always there for me … and she keeps telling me that I rock her world.” What the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t just ignore her, can I?”

I never intended her to be my main squeeze. It was always going to be a fling. Oh sure, I want to jump into bed every chance I can, but I still have the wife and kids at home, and I’m not going to abandon them. But my mistress keeps texting me and tempting me. “Come back to bed, Jay. I’m ready for you. I want you. I need you. Only you can rock my world.” I should break if off and walk away clean. But I can’t. She has a smokin’ hot bod and knows how to use it.

However, it’s not the sex that’s the problem. It’s that she’s beginning to make some demands. “Jay, sweetheart, you have to promote me. You have to spend hours and hours a day with me, here in my warm satin-lined boudoir, fawning over me, and telling every last living soul on social media how much you love and need me.”

God, I am such a sucker for it too. Every time she does that, I jump right in there with her and fuck her brains out. I love the feel of her arms and legs wrapped around me. And she keeps begging me to a real man, tie her to the bedposts, and ravage her defenseless body. (Of is it the other way around?)

Now, so far, the wife is not suspicious, but she is looking at me kind of funny. I haven’t come home with any lipstick on my collar yet, or reeking of perfume, or with a pair of lace panties in my jacket pocket that I can’t explain. But I have had to start thinking on my feet and coming up with excuses why I was out so late.

“Why were you up so late again?”

“Um, I was editing.”

“And why are you looking at all those pictures of other women?”

“Those? I was looking for an inspiration for a character.”

“And why are you on Facebook and Twitter so much?”

“I’m promoting the books. Yeah. That ‘s it. I’m promoting.”

Oh well. I’m in deep, over my head. I know I am. But I do wish my mistress would do one thing for me. I wish she’d introduce me to her friends. You know; readers.

Go ahead; ask the question that I know is on your mind. “Jay, why don’t you man up and tell her take a hike?”

Have you seen her? She is the sexiest woman on the planet, with a perfect body, a beautiful face, and sexual skills so hot she could melt steel.

Yeah, you can handle it, bucko. You can keep it all under control. You can call the shots and not let it get out of hand, can’t you?

Bullshit. You’ll get sucked into her just like me. I guarantee it.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

A Good Challenge

At the moment, I have self-published eight short stories, three novels (a trilogy), and one compendium of the trilogy. They are all erotic / erotic romance.

The Unconventional Affairs Trilogy – three stories revolving around the exploits of friends that all work for a company based in Charleston, SC. Two of them are heavily influenced by the convention scene in Las Vega. The third is based around Charleston and Key West. I’ve invested a lot of energy on them being dialog rich and conversational, and I’ve been told that I’ve done a good job with that. I try to stay away from overly puffy language. The erotic content is conventional m/f with a whiff of BDSM. The women are all beautiful, the men are all virile, everyone is uninhibited, and the sex is always awesome. They’re fairy tales.

The short stories are a mixed bag of different themes.

Two of them are based on the trilogy. One is a perspective flip where I’ve rewritten a chapter from the second book from the perspective of two supporting characters. Think Rosencrantz and Gilderstern are Dead with sex. The other is a sequel (I guess that’s what it would be called) that exposes what happened at something alluded to in the second novel. The rest are of various themes including the Jay Gaudette’s Friends and Lovers series, where I am a character. “Jay Gaudette” is a penname so I can use him a lot of different ways. Two of the more recent stories are, I think, unique in that I experiment with various physical formats as a way to drive the story. Live from Saltwater Sally’s is a transcript of a TV show of a sex competition. Becky’s Love-Place uses evolving punctuation, grammar, and sentence structure to emphasize the main character’s personal maturation, as well as driving reading pace.

Marketing – Ah, marketing and promotion. A little background is important here – I am not the dashing bon vivant shown on my avatar. (Though my wife says I’m a hottie.) I’m a retired businessman living in Denver. We were both published authors of business related material in the past. (Me-sales, training, service strategies. Her-technical, having to do with computer systems.) Nine months out of the year we are very active cruising boaters. We have been and continue to go to just about everywhere from the East Coast, to the Great Lakes, the western rivers, Gulf of Mexico, and everyplace in between. (Summer 2015—Bahamas and Florida Keys) I am a popular writer about the boating lifestyle and have two self-published books on the subject, as well as I maintain a popular blog, and I have had several articles and excerpts published. (Get this—I actually make money at this!) The market is small and easily definable. I publish something and the same people buy it. Easy.
Back to marketing of JG—I have a life. I don’t like the idea of crushing my brain sitting at my computer all damn day long, anxiously waiting for the latest pip of a possibility that someone might actually be interested in reading my works. However, I’m not a statue either. There are things that I can be doing.

This is what my current marketing plan is:
  •  Post something to the Erotic Readers and Authors Group on Facebook no less frequently than every other day. My posts are either direct links to Amazon, usually with some attention getting funny thing, a graphic of a quote from one of the projects, or one of my absurd third party endorsements. And everything I post to FB is automatically posted to Twitter. (The reason I chose Erotic Readers and Authors group to post to was arbitrary. I’m enrolled in something like eight different groups, and all of the posts all seem to be from the same dozen people. I figured what the hell.)
  •  I’m running a giveaway on Feb 16-18 called the D R R – Download, Read, Review. Who the heck knows if it will do anything. Probably not.
  • Keep publishing. And thus, I’m concentrating on short stories. The novels were great, but they take too long. I currently have two short stories in the works. One is coming along nicely. The other was perking along nicely as well, and then I hit a plot roadblock. (Still trying to figure it out.)
  • Pinterest – I pin all of my content to Pinterest for no other reason than I think it’s an interesting and fun platform.

“So, like, why haven’t you submitted your work to a publisher?” you may ask. Good question. I don’t know why I haven’t. I think it may have something to do with me not trusting them, the publishers. But I don’t have any kind of evidence to support that. Another reason is that, well, most of the stuff out there is pretty bad. I’m not an expert writer by any stretch of the imagination. However, I’m a reader as well as a writer and I have spent my own hard-earned money of some of the content in this genre. Most of it is shitty. I don’t know. Maybe I should start submitting my stuff to publishers. It’s still an open issue.

There’s another aspect to E/ER that nobody likes to acknowledge. It’s an extreme fringe genre. It may be even more so than boating. And the marketplace is flooded by people just like me, with their titillating tales about zombie, magical, billionaire men conquering some defenseless, daft, stupid maiden with ample busts and flushed skin. It’s capitalism 101—supply and demand. There are not enough readers and too many writers.

I not superstitious. I don't believe in luck. However, I do believe that reality sometimes aligns itself serendipitously in ways that can either serve someone's situation positively or negatively. So, with writing, sometimes it's a matter of happenstance that someone buys one of my books. I accept that. I dont' take it personally. Shit happens. 

I have settled into the mindset that I think is a defensive reaction that many of us in this genre (and other genres as well) have to take. I like writing this stuff. I like how my imagination flows and meanders through all of the characters and scenes. (Btw, my wife supports me in this. She insists on being the first reader of them, and she even helps me. I mean, I do need a woman’s perspective.) 
By the way, back to the FB groups? Several of them say they have 10,000+ members. I don’t believe for a second.

On last thing; rules. I’m a pretty smart cookie, and one thing I’ve learned in life is that when there are more conflicting rules than people that they might apply to, don’t believe them. And fiction writing has more conflicting rules than anything else I have ever come across. Grammar aside, the writing rules that are being expounded upon are opinions. Nothing more. "Even a rose is a weed when it's growing in a tulip patch." - me

I write because I enjoy it, and I consider it a personal challenge when one person buys one of my books and enjoys it. And I love a good challenge.

Monday, January 26, 2015

So, what are the themes of the Unconventional Affairs?

Love - the entire trilogy is about love.

There are some themes about love that run throughout the trilogy:
erotic love
love of/from family
love of/from friends

But each book also has a theme about some nature of love.
The Unconventional Affair - an overcoming love, a love that is transcendent
Tangier - an empowering love, a love that makes us better
Tough Cookie - a sacrificial love, unconditionally giving of ourselves for someone else.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

A Funny Thing Happened to Me On The Way to the Internet

When I started writing these stories well over a year ago, it was purely to give myself something to do. I don’t want to bore you with the details, other than to say that my lifestyle allows for a considerable amount of free time. I was already (still am) a published writer of outdoor lifestyle memoirs and humor articles and books. But when I was not being outdoorsy, there wasn’t much to write about. (It’s hard to write cool things about living on a boat and cruising all around the eastern seaboard when I was in Colorado.) I was also a published writer about sales, marketing, and business development stuff.

I had never written any fiction before, and during one very long period of inactivity, I decided to give it a shot. Unfortunately, I let my thinking get sucked down into the abyss of complacency. I thought,  How hard can it be? Well, it was, indeed, hard. I thought my stories and scenes were entertaining, and my characters had some life, but at first, they were a bit jumbled up. My early output was, at best, sketchy. My grammar was putrid, punctuation was a bit of a mess, and, my God, I hate past tense.

I self-published on Amazon and Smashwords, promoted on Facebook and Twitter, and low and behold, nothing happened to them sales-wise. Zippo. Oh, I sold a few, and even got a favorable review or two, but overall, it was underwhelming.

Now, I had no illusions about sales. I don’t need the money and it wasn’t a make or break thing for me. But a little feedback would have been nice. And I did get some. Here’s what the main feedback was: too simple, good voice (my dialogs, apparently, were good), and fix my tenses. My self-made covers were pretty bland, too.

Challenge accepted.

Over the last several months, I’ve poured myself into a project to do justice to the stories and characters that I have grown to like so much. I have written, rewritten, edited, re-edited, and otherwise tinkered with them to the edge of obsession. And while they are still not perfect (They never are, are they?) I think they are at the point that I can let them live on their own in the virtual world, come what may.

I am not an expert at writing, or anything else for that matter. Well, maybe I am an expert at being me, with all my foibles, and even at that, I’m still kind of sloppy at it. But I have learned some lessons through the experience.

People don’t use good grammar. However, God does. Have you ever really listened to how we mere mortals talk? Not write, but talk. We use terrible grammar, in all its forms; catch phrases, bad adverbs and adjectives, ending sentences weirdly, etc. So, when my characters are speaking in dialog, I try to give them a voice that is natural sounding. But God (that is, the narrator or expositor) does use good grammar. I mean, God would. Right?

I appreciate rules, but…. Some years back I taught myself how to play the bass guitar, and I got pretty good. I practiced my scales and technique until I got to the point that I jammed fairly decently. I also read everything I could get my hands on to hone my skills. Guess what? The entirety of the subject was as conflicted and confusing as all the available writing tips are. However, there was one bass guru, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten, gave the bit of advice I needed to really give my playing the boost I was looking for. He said that all of the practice and skill development exercises were good, but to really learn how to play the bass guitar, you have to play. He said to join just about any band you could, play to records of all different genres, or just noodle around. If I wanted to get good at playing the bass guitar, I had to play the bass guitar. Not just work on technique, but jam, make mistakes, put it out there, and grow.

For every “rule” about writing that you find, there are a plethora of conflicting rules. So, how did I reconcile all that? I follow good grammar and punctuation rules, I watch my tenses, and I write. I write every day. I write whenever I have time. And most importantly, I enjoy it. I think my writing has improved.

Pre-planning can suck the joy out of anything  Now, before I go any further, I want to unequivocally say that I am not anti-planning. Quite the contrary, actually. Remember I said that I’m a boater? Trust me when I tell you that when it comes to that, I am the biggest compulsive planner that exists on the planet. But when I really bared down and decided to figure this whole fiction writing thing out, I was amazed at how complicated the planning regimens were that other writers employed. To each their own, but some of it seemed so lifeless and contrived to me. And my opinion is not a rationalization for not planning myself. What I’m writing are fantasies, adult fairy tales, whimsy, expressions of my imagination. Maybe I’m being naive, but how do you plan fancy?

When I start a new project, I sit at my computer, turn my imagination on, and I write. One of the greatest joys that I experienced in all this was to see where it took me. There have been countless times that when I wrote, the action took some interesting twist that blew my mind. “Holy crap! What the heck just happened? She did that? Did he really say that? How are they going to get out of that mess?” I have had to do some brainwork ahead of time before I delved into some parts of my writing. For instance, I had to do basic time lines of all the characters in the Unconventional Affairs Trilogy because all the events took place over a five year period, and I wanted to keep it all straight. But other than that, I wrote and enjoyed the ride.

I am my audience When I sat down and wrote all of these stories, I pretty much knew that the chance of them getting published or sold was pretty slim. I wasn’t following the right formulas, they weren’t sophisticated enough, or whatever excuse I could come up with for not trying to capitalize on them. I recognized that the settings and storylines were not positioned well in the sweet spot of mass appeal. There weren't any zombies or vampires, I guess. I didn’t have an audience. But, you know what? I did. Me.

I love these characters and stories, and I still read them just because I enjoy them. I can feel the victory and joy when Carol and Doug run into each other’s arms in the lobby of Washington-Baltimore Mortgage Company. I love following Monica as she grows so wonderfully from a shy nerdy geek to an empowered beautiful young woman. (And Gabe is one cool guy.) And, honestly, I cry when I read how Marie begs Mark not to die after he was shot by Marshal Culver in Key West. I appreciate how Amy’s opinion about Danny changes while she watches him cook breakfast for them while she sitting on his kitchen counter wearing his St. Louis Blues sweater. And, except for my wife, I think Connie Tangier is the hottest woman on the planet. I created a little world inhabited by interesting people that do interesting things. They’re fun to hang around with.

And there’s a lot of me in there too. I’m the person that likes Doctor Who, and wants a C7 Stingray. I’m a fan of the St. Louis Blues NHL hockey team. I also have spent years as a business man and have worked countless conventions. I've spent a great deal of time in both Annapolis and Charleston and think they are wonderful places. I also believe that there is no other woman in the world like my wife, and she is everything I want and need. And, perhaps most important, I believe that confidence is magic.

If you have reached this point, thank you for taking the time to get here. And, since you’re here, that makes you special, and I’ll be glad to send you a free copy of the Unconventional Affairs trilogy. Email me at

Welcome to my world. I think it’s a pretty cool place to be.